


Jack Spicer: Evil Boy Genius: Dark Prince of the Universe. An Autobiography (and Guide to Romance) by Jack Spicer: Evil Boy Genius: Dark Prince of the Universe.

by silvyshi



Category: Xiaolin Showdown (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2013-06-14
Packaged: 2017-11-09 20:59:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/458317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silvyshi/pseuds/silvyshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Many days, you may sit at home (or anywhere else, really), finding yourself wondering, gee, I wonder what Jack Spicer, Evil Boy Genius (and Dark Prince of the Universe) would do if he were in my situation. And that, my fellow evil doers and dweebish admirers, is what this autobiography will explain to you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Step one: How to get pressured into asking a girl out by that loser cat freak you know.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mirphelia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirphelia/gifts).



> alright!!!!! so basically, this is my lame attempt at a jack/kim fic told from jacks point of view but like???? i dont even know if ill get to the good shippy parts tbh. im not sure if ill actually finish this, and im basically just sort of writing it for my own amusement i guess idk!!! enjoy i guess omg i dont know.

It all started on a stormy Wednesday’s night in mid-August. Okay, so it was actually early afternoon, and the sky was pretty clear, but just go with me on this one. What’s a story without a dramatic setting? And the answer to that question, evil genius wannabees, is nothing. Absolutely nothing. Except maybe boring, but you get the idea.

So as I was saying, it all started on a Wednesday. Actually scratch that, let’s make it a Thursday. All the good stuff happens on Thursdays. Like new episodes of Project Runway.

I was out at lunch with Ashley; that cat obsessed loser my parents think would be a good influence on my social life. We weren’t talking much. She said something about her snooty best friend, I made a joke, she had a better comeback, (not that I would ever say that to her face) and the rest is history; history being the next twenty minutes or so. The rest of our meal turned into me sipping crossly at my soda while she got into a conversation with some jock-looking guy in the booth behind her. All that was left was to wait for her supposed supermodel boyfriend to drop by so I could ditch her sorry bottle blonde head and get home to my robots.

Well, that’s all that _would_ have been left, anyway, but she apparently hadn’t wasted enough of my time with stupid questions and comments and had to throw another one at me.

“Hey Jack, are you really happy?” she said it with this teasing sort of half smile on her face, that would have looked pretty evil if it had been on someone a little more sinister, (like myself,) but on her? It just looked like she was planning to steal my lunch money or something. Not that I would know the kind of look people get before something like that happens to them. I’m just guessing here. 

The question itself threw me off guard a little, which is a pretty hard thing to do. It’s practically impossible, so I guess I have to give her a little credit for that. But not much.

“That depends on if you’re asking me in the concerned friend kind of way or the judging passerby kind of way,” I answered, without a moment’s hesitation. Not as witty as my other remarks, I’ll admit, but it received an eye roll from Ashley’s end which was victory enough for me. I felt my inner self do one of those victorious fist pumps as my evil theme music played in the background. In a metaphorical sense.

“I mean it in the literal kind of way, robofreak,” she replied. Wow, sassy. She paused for a moment to send a text before staring me down with those beady teenage girl eyes like I was the one who walked around in the skin tight cat suit or something. “Like seriously, have you ever even been on a date?”

Oh, so _that’s_ where this conversation was headed. I spent a moment or two wondering how many weird looks I would get if I gave her a Z Snap and started talking about how I was a strong independent woman that didn’t need no man. Probably a lot.

And with that decided, I set down my soda and placed my hands on the table, resembling some sort of evil mastermind who was about to make a bargain with his arch rival; one that only he would benefit in. Some people could argue and say that I looked like some crabby ten year old that didn’t want to eat his vegetables, but those people, the ones that wrote that on their blogs that evening, couldn’t be more wrong. Because I, Jack Spicer, evil boy genius and dark prince of this universe, was at full confidence. I had this situation under control, one hundred percent.

“Well?” Ashley asked after another moment. She must have taken my dramatic posture as my avoiding the question. “Do you not want to answer or are you really taking that long to think about it?” She had one of her freaky Cheshire grins on her face.

“Hey, you didn’t even give me enough time to answer. We don’t all work in cat years like you do.” Nice comeback, Jack.

That got another eye roll out of her, but I didn’t feel so hot about it that time. I’d never admit it to anyone out loud; it’s amazing I’m even writing it in the pages of this book, but I was starting to feel a little uneasy.

“So are you going to answer me or what? Cat got your tongue, Jack?” Ew. Puns.

“I’ve gone on _some_ dates before,” I told her, although not as confidently as I would have liked to.

“Yeah, like with who?” Ashley prodded with a smirk on that artificially tanned face of hers. I opened my mouth to snap back a reply, but she cut me off with another line before I could get any words out. “Oh, and taking your cousin Megan out for ice cream doesn’t count.”

Was it just me, or was she looking more and more like that Cheshire Cat I mentioned earlier by the minute? Hey, maybe if I got lucky she’d turn invisible. 

I would have laughed at that thought if Ashley didn’t suddenly look so threatening. Part of me wondered if she was seriously going to try to steal my lunch money. Not that it would have worked, but still.

“Does that one time Chase Young let me into his secret hideout count? I didn’t bring flowers, but I brought Shen Gong Wu, I mean that’s got to count for something, right?”

Ashley leaned forward, then, elbows propped up on the table to support her chin in her hands as her grin widened to the point where it looked photoshopped or something. And was she purring with delight? Ok, that’s creepy. 

“No, Jack, fangirling over some thousand year old lizard freak doesn’t count, try again.” Yeah, she was definitely purring. How does she even do that?

“Fan _boying_ , actually."

“So is that it?” She asked, raising an eyebrow and crossing her arms over the table. Maybe it was just the fact that I related her with felines, but she really looked like she was going to pounce on me. Ok, I’ll admit it. Even I, Jack Spicer, with my cunning and stoic nature, was starting to feel pretty uneasy. Not desperate, though. Never desperate.

“I, uh.” I had to pause for a moment to swallow. My throat was starting to feel pretty dry, probably from going a full five minutes since my last sip of soda. It’s not like I was uncomfortable, or anything. Regardless, I pulled at my collar for a moment before continuing. “I kidnapped Kimiko that one time.”

She just laughed at that one, which went on for several moments until she saw the anxious sort of expression on my face, which she gave me one of those stuck up half frowns for. “Wait, you were serious?”

I opened my mouth to reply, to tell her how Kimiko had been totally impressed with my chameleonbot and mad evil skills, but she just started laughing again, and it wasn’t even an evil one. It was the kind that popular girls give nerds when they ask them out; which is also a topic that I know nothing about.

“Hey, are you done yet?”

“Are you done being a sissy who’s never dated anyone?” Ashley replied without a moment’s hesitation.

“Wait, I’m not-” But before I could finish my response, which was going to be totally awesome and so much of a burn that she would have needed a burn heal for it, she cut me off.

“That time with Kimiko doesn’t count, Jacky boy, and something gives me the idea that that’s the closest you’ve ever gotten, isn’t it?”

I gave her one of my best evil scowls, and placed a fist on the table for good measure. And by good measure, I mean bad measure. Whatever. “Listen up, _Ashley_ ,” I put emphasis on her name, as usual. She hates it when I do that. “Who cares if I’ve never been on a date before? Besides, it’s not like I even have enough time for that kind of stuff, I mean I have a world to conquer, remember?”

Ashley let out this annoying sort of sigh, trying to get the point across that my reply was unsatisfactory. Not that it was necessary. I would have understood that point easily enough without that little sigh, what, with my being an evil boy genius and all.

“You _should_ care, though,” Ashley practically whined, stretching out across the table. She waited a moment or two before curling her expression into another of those creepy grins, and I _definitely_ didn’t grimace at that.

“Actually,” she continued on in one of those slow, dangerous manners, eyes flashing like she really was sort of feline and I was her prey. (If she wasn’t a total freak, I might have been a little proud of her for that. That was pretty villainous.) “I bet you couldn’t even handle asking someone out. You’d totally chicken out, wouldn’t you?”

I had to scoff at that one. “Jack Spicer? Chicken out? No way, sister, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” I replied, with complete confidence. Sort of. Alright, so it wasn't with _complete_ confidence, but it's not like I was nervous or anything.

The cat freak raised her eyebrows at that as she let out one of those cat-like “mrrr” sounds, showing her interest in my last statement. I _might_ have given her an uncertain frown in return, but that detail’s not really all that important.

“Alright,” she said after a moment or two, folding her arms on top of the table and tilting her head to the side a bit, annoying grin still spread across her face. “So if someone, say, dared you to ask out that Kimiko girl you’re always fawning over, you’d-”

“ _What_?” I interrupted. I would have let her finish, but being polite isn’t really my cup of tea. “I don’t fawn over _Kimiko_.”

“Um, yes you do.” Ashley responded with one of those snooty popular girl looks on her face.

“I do not!” (Which was a declaration, and not me whining.)

She gave me one of those overly concerned kind of looks, you know, like the kind your mom gives you when you tell her that yes, you honestly want a working death ray for Christmas. She stayed like that for an extra moment or two, and I opened my mouth to give her a very detailed explanation about how I absolutely do not waste my time obsessing over some pretty little Xiaolin loser, but before I could say anything, she cut me off.

“So are you calling chicken orrr?”

“Nice try, Ashley, but it’s not happening.” I told her with one of those dismissive hand waves. “I told you I’m not into her, right? Why should I have to waste my time on some lame Xiaolin monk who I don’t even like? I mean yeah, alright, she’s pretty, but she’s not really my type.”

She didn’t have anything to say to that. Well not to me, anyway. She just rolled her eyes, took out her glittery pink cellphone, and asked the operator to connect her to one Kimiko Tohomiko. After that, she shoved the phone to my ear, forcing me to have some sudden, improvised conversation with someone who may or may not be the girl of my dreams. It’s pretty safe to say that it was one of the most awkward things I’ve ever had to do. (It’d be number one on my list, but that place is reserved for the time Mom signed me up for ballet lessons and I wound up being the only boy in the group.)


	2. Step Two: How to talk on the phone with a girl you think is pretty swell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is short because it took me 11 months to write and its technically not done but whatever, losers, im posting this anyway

Being on the phone with a girl is a lot like being on the phone with your half-deaf great aunt Mary, only instead of asking how tall you’ve gotten since she’s last given you one of those awkward (and disgustingly lame) kisses on the cheek, she asks you why the heck you’re calling her and if you’ll leave her alone soon.

And that’s basically how it was going with Kimiko, in case any of you losers were seriously wondering. I said hey, she asked me what I wanted in one of those “wow, get this loser away from me” kind of tones, I frowned, and Ashley rolled her eyes, kicking me under the table as she did so.

It wasn’t really one of my proudest moments, but an evil genius has to do what an evil genius has to do, so I took in one of those really confident deep breaths, and opened my mouth to give Kimiko the best reply I’ve ever given anyone. Only she didn’t really give me enough time to execute that, cutting me off before I could get the first word out.

“If you don’t have anything important to say, then I’m just going to hang up. I have more important things to do than waste my time talking with a mama’s boy like you.”

“Hey, pipe down, _Kimiko_ , just because I love my mom, that doesn’t mean-” Ashley gave me another hard kick under the table and I stuck my tongue out at her (in a very mature fashion) before rewording my reply to Kimiko.

“I-I mean. Okay, look, you uh.” _Think fast, Jack, this is life or death here. Not really. But it’s still pretty important._

A thought struck me, then, and it was a pretty clever thought, if I do say so myself; which I do. I smiled to myself, which caused Ashley to raise an eyebrow at me. I didn’t have enough time to entertain that cat freak, though. I had a girl to ask out.

“You remember that time I said I’d take you guys out for ice cream when we weren’t fighting over all that Heylin/Xiaolin garbage?” I asked her, giving myself one of those mental facepalms a moment or two afterward as I realized that might warrant her little loser friends tagging along, too. 

“Yeah?” Kimiko responded, sounding sort of bored. Well, at least she hadn’t hung up on me, right?

“Well, uh.” I started again, mind racing for some excuse to only take her. Ashley started smiling again at that, and I gave her a quick eye roll. I had this under control. I am a genius after all. 

Unfortunately, even Jack Spicer, with his outstanding ingenuity couldn't couldn't think of a proper excuse in the length of time Kimiko's attention span was willing to put up with him, and mere seconds before I was able to come up with something adequate, a scowl interrupted my thought process from the other line.

“I told you, Jack, I don't have time for this. Some of us actually have lives, dude.” It's a scientific fact that teenage girls have the shortest attention span of any other creature in the history of our universe. They're even worse than goldfish. Either way, her remark scored an eye roll from my end, and if we were talking in person right then, she would have been super impressed with how cool I looked doing that. Afterward, I allowed myself a short, frustrated sort of sigh which was in no way exaggerated in any sort of way. I'll admit it was slightly dramatic, but that part was completely necessary to get my point across.

“Oh, can it, Princess, you probably just want to get back to texting your loser friends in Tokyo about the new sweater you just bought or some other dweebish thing like that.” Man, was I on a roll with comebacks today. I let my gaze snap back to Ashley after the words left my mouth, noticing an amused sort of look on her face that I took to mean she was satisfied with what I was saying. Not that I was looking for her approval, or anything, but hey, it was definitely nice to feel appreciated. And that way she probably wouldn't kick me anymore.

I heard Kimiko scowl a second time, and I couldn't help it when a villainous sort of grin formed on my face. Ashley commented later in the day that I looked like a huge dork rather than any sort of evil mastermind, but there's absolutely no way that was the case. 

“Yeah, well, like I said before, I have a life, and that life includes talking to my friends.” Ugh, she was just as sassy as Ashley was sometimes. She really was sort of a hothead, too, though, so I guess that whole Xiaolin Dragon of fire thing really fit her. She was also kind of hot.

Anyway, I figured we'd done enough bantering. Ashley probably wasn't going to leave me alone until I asked Kimiko out, and although bantering with goody two shoes monks hadn't and never will get old, that wasn't exactly the point of this call. I could exchange witty comments with her whenever I wanted to, but there were definitely times where asking out the girl you liked would be a bad idea. Take, for example, while the two of you were fighting over a 1500 year old magical artifact that shoots lightning.


End file.
